Assalamu alaikum y'all!

I've been a lurker here for a while, and just wanted some of your opinions or experiences that might shed some insight on my situation. This might be a bit long so bear with me


Brief Background:
I'm a new-ish Muslim revert, and he's a born Muslim. We were both born and brought up in the UK. He's south Asian, and I'm not.

The Story:
We met through mutual friends, and came to a point where we both want to marry each other.

He spoke to his Mum and she basically said she doesn't approve but if this is what he wants then she can't stop him. She said he's living his own life, doesn't have any regard of what she wants when planning his life / marriage.

She is heartbroken and I guess she feels great disappointment and a sense of betrayal from her son... I pray to Allah to look after her, comfort her, give her strength, and soften her heart... I really feel bad for her suffering.

The Situation:
His Mum does not really have a problem with the fact that I'm a revert (I think...), her problems are 1) her son has disobeyed or disregarded her wishes, and 2) our two families don't have much in common culture-wise... both sets of parents speak English, so they would be able to communicate albeit in their 2nd language.

He says he can't get married without his Mum on board, and his happiness in life is derived by the people he cares about so he would rather pass up marriage with someone he loves and is good for him, in order to keep his Mum happy. On the other hand, he loves me, and he truly feels an intercultural/racial family would be very beneficial on the whole.

He needs to make a decision soon. The longer he takes, the more everyone gets tired out from the burden.

What Now?
If we can get his Mum to come around then he will be more confident in 'us'. Any ideas? I feel like I'm the fighter and he's losing steam and the will the fight.

Would it be a good idea for me to meet his Mum?

I'm thinking we could sit down and have a chat about things, our expectations, worries, and just to get to know each other - maybe through the power of human compassion she'll see that I'm a good girl for the family, and that although our cultures are different we have 2 things in common - love for her son and love for Allah.

I have a feeling that if he fought with a bit more conviction, his Mum will give in and let us be together. However, I need to know whether the relationship between her and her son will mend over time, or whether she will withdraw from him............ anyone had experiences with this? I really can't see how a mother can abandon relationship with her own son due to 'disobedience' so I do believe that she will eventually accept 'us'.... am I being naive in believing this??


Also, it might sound silly but I really want to make our relationship 'legal' in the eyes of God. And I am so frustrated that something such as cultural traditions and fears are creating stumbling blocks for this.


So.... any constructive comments, advice, or shared experiences are much much appreciated. Or maybe you are from a south Asian background and can shed some insight so I can understand his Mum more.


Jazakallah Khair (Thank you and may Allah reward you for your good)

Hello,
I feel for your troubles. I was in the same boat 6 years ago. Based on my own personal experience I would suggest meeting his mother. Try to build a bridge, and show interest in learning their culture. After talking she may change her mind about you, and welcome you into the family. I had to show that I respected my husbands family and culture, and I threw myself into learning as much about their culture, and religion as I possibly could. When they saw this, they accepted me. Now we all get along very well. I wish you all the best of luck, and remember if it is meant to be God will make it so.

uh oh... south east Asian? living in the UK? mum doesn't approve? He's INdian isn't he!!! (or Pakistani??)

If so... I'd say your chances are slim. I'm trying to be honest I know this situation well... his life is planned out for him. Once he's 26 or 27 and done with college and has a few years work experience he will get himself an arranged married and a big fat dowry and that will be all she wrote!!

unless he really loves you and wants to stick with you! I just want to say... I"m not trying to break your hopes but, if he's INdian... I don't think you will convince his mom... although I could be wrong about him being INdian as you say his mom said : "I can't stop you, it's your life!" WOW doesn't sound very Indian to me!!! lol

no honestly though... some older generations are stubborn. It's not about religion. It's not about you being converted. It's about you being British. It's about you not knowing the culture (or so they think), its about you not speaking their mothertongue, its about them thinking you won't like their food (really!), its about them thinking you won't support them in their old age because you are British, its about you being "western", but most importantly its about what their neighbors and their aunties and uncles and the distant 7th cousin back in the village will be saying about them and how their son had a love marriage to a BRITISH girl and all the shame it will bring!! Sometimes I meet Asians from the Indian subcont. and I think they'd be happier their Muslim son marries a Hindu if shes from the same area in their state then they would if he married a good Muslim girl who isn't form the country!

do let us know how this is turning out. any update?

Yes although I'm Indian, I have to agree that the older generations can be a bit stubborn and very cultural. My dad doens't even want me to marry a Muslim Indian girl from America because she would be too "American". He doesn't realize that I'm American too lol. But it goes to show you how weird the older generation can be.

Try to build a relationship with his mom, make her your friend if thats possible. Thats best way.